My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
