If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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