Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
