I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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