If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
