proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
