Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
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nutella sex= disaster
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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