R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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