and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
