don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
