He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
