Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
