I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
