Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
