i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
