friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
