i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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