I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My feet surprised me
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
