i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
