Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
