I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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