Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
