I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Those nachos came to me in a dream
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
