someone threw a dead crab at me
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
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