you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
