So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
