I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
