Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
