P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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