Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
