I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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