Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
