hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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