This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
