My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
