Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
