Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
