Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
