I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Come see our sink grown plant.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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