He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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