the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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