Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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