I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
