I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
