I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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