Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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