My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
