Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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