When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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