He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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