what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
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