i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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