somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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