be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
