Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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