I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
