who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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