Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am naked and annoyed.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
