When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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