I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
