i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
