im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
