he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So much rum. So many feels.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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