where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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