So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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