If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
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